A few months ago, I stayed up well into the night hopping from mom-blog to mom-blog. This is always a dangerous game for me. Sometimes it's for fun. I keep finding links to fun things, new ideas and inspirational stories. The flip-side, however, is that I end up doing it out of frustration, exploring ideas with which I struggle or disagree.
The biggest area where this occurs for me is the topic of discipline. Before I go any further, I want to communicate that this post is not meant to attack, point fingers or start a debate. It is meant to be an honest reflection regarding an area in which other mom's might relate.
I always want to be better in the area of discipline. I have high expectations and don't always bring them into reality very well. I think I'm pretty gracious with my kids, but there are certain areas where I can grow, areas where I need to learn more patience and grace. I think we can all relate.
So, every now and then I go perusing online for new ideas to deal with certain behaviors. That particular night, I ventured around and found myself exploring blogs and sites that promoted no discipline. Apparently their children were always so happy and obedient. I eventually found myself completely frustrated and feeling like an ineffective, lazy mother. Then I was just infuriated. I couldn't put my finger on why, but a gloomy cloud stuck around for awhile. So, I stepped away from social media in general. I was so mad at the blogging world, I didn't want to experience anyone online. Extreme? Certainly, I have weird tendencies.
Tonight, against my gut, I went online searching for thoughts on discipline again. Nathan is getting to the stage where something needs to be done. He's very opinionated, knows what he wants and throws fits accordingly. I ventured onto some sites that promoted "gentle mothering" and "biblical parenting." In general, these forms of parenting are centered on directing, using positive reinforcement and grace driven. I actually liked and agreed with a lot of what they had to offer, but I was still dissatisfied. Then it finally hit me as to why I was so frustrated all those months ago - I have yet to hear a mom-blogger with those philosophies admit that parenting that way is HARD!
I agree that I should respond to my children using the fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control. Unfortunately, responding that way is not my default. It can be exhausting and mind-numbing. It takes everything in me to bite my tongue and respond graciously when my kids have been whining all day. I would agree that Avery responds well and flourishes when I react with grace. I come to a more intimate place with God because I'm praying all day and I know He's pleased with me. But I break sometimes. I'll raise my voice or I'll use up my "no" quota by 9 am.
Judgment is not what I was hoping for from the mom-written blogs that promote biblical parenting. I didn't expect them to communicate that every family is different, but families that spank don't truly know God. Some even stated that they never, ever raise their voice at their kids. Ever. Really? Never ever?
I was hoping for someone to say:
I parent this way because I know it models God's heart. It's as hard as hell and by 4 pm I'm ready to pass out. It's so rewarding, though. We've been so blessed. You should give it a shot.
What sorts of disciplinary tactics have you used?
Which were effective? Which were not?
Have you found an honest, mom-blog that you find encouraging?
Meh. Pretty sure I'm in the same boat as you. Yesterday I'd DEFINITELY used up all of my NOs.
ReplyDeleteI like Megan at Sorta Crunchy. Her blog is more of a lifestyle blog these days, because her kids are getting older, but her archives have lots of parenting stuff -
PS Glad you're back! :)
Regulating the NOs is difficult. You run out of creative ways to "redirect," the littles won't be redirected and you have to lay it down. So hard!
ReplyDeleteI'll check out Sorta Crunchy. Thanks for the suggestion.
PS Thanks!
My disciplinary techniques are a hybrid of Love & Logic, Dr Dobson's strong willed child, and my own everyday understanding of MY child. And even at this lovely hybrid, I fail. I forget to "charge my batteries" and then find that my reserve tank never got filled up.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest phrases that have helped me is from Dr Phil:
1. "There has to be a payoff - no one does anything unless it benefits them whether it be spiritual, physical, or emotional we have to have a payoff" So that leads me to ask myself What is Josh's payoff and what is my own payoff?
2. "You don't have to see everything but if you see it you have to follow through" My interpretation I don't have to "see" that he is being obnoxious and taking toys from his brother at that moment, let them work it out, BUT if I say something, I "see" it I have to follow though with our house rules.
I don't read anyone's Mom blog but yours and that is because you are honest and non judgmental and real. I don't like Mom blogs for the most part because the main stream media judges me enough as it is with am I "Mom Enough" - I stay home I am judged, I formula fed my kids I am judged, I put pictures of my kids on facebook I am judged I don't put my kids in daycare and go to school full time I am judged and this all because I am a mom - this doesn't even touch all the judgements I get because I am a woman who is not a perfect size 6!
Point is as women and Moms we get enough judgements and we have enough to deal with while wondering if we are doing it all "right" and if we are "enough" No one has my boys and no one knows better what is best for them than I do and when I don't know how to deal with a situation or phase in their life, God does and he will bring the right answer into my life.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results and yet isn't that exactly what all these parenting blogs, shows, books, and advice columns tell us to do? Be consistent even if you child does not do what you want just keep being consistent. And the world wonders why we are all crazy by 4pm? I don't wonder anymore I just pray for the strength to get through this insanity without permanently screwing up my kids and perhaps helping them to be a little better off in the world.
Sorry this is long.
Well, I'm here to say "yes, parenting is hard, but God is so good to us, because He shows us glimpses of what he created our children to be". I've been there with two boys. There were lots of no's. But lots of times I had to sit back and ask myself why was I saying no. Is it because it is a safety issue or is it because I just don't want to clean up the mess there is bound to be? As for the discipline part. Each child is different and responds differently. You have to find what works best for that child. One of mine hated being separated from the rest of us. So sending him to his room was torture. The other one hated any form of discipline, just the thought of me being upset with him crushed his world.
ReplyDeleteAlso you have to use different forms of discipline for different infractions. Is back talking you the same as taking a toy from another? Save your more severe discipline for the more severe infractions. And make the discipline fit the crime. If they are having a hard time playing at the park nicely, cut the trip short and explain why. Don't stay at the park then do time out at home. Will he understand the time out had to do with playing at the park? Maybe, maybe not.
As mine are almost out of my house I can look back and see that God has the same "discipline" issues with me as I had with my boys. He has to say "no" to me a lot. Sometimes He has to use more effective discipline to get me to understand and sometimes He gently tells me "no" and shakes His head wondering when will I get it. The awesome thing about God is He continues and doesn't give up on us. He perseveres with us. We need to persevere with our children. Don't give up. Even on the days you fall on the couch at 10:00 AM thinking that your children or you may die today, you just don't know which one yet. PERSEVERE! God gives you the strength to raise His children the way He needs them to be raised.
I really appreciate your response Meredith! We used less strict for of Love & Logic with Avery while she was two. I loved it! I feel like it sort of saved my sanity during that year. We still use it and you'll often hear Avery refer to good and bad choices. I like the idea of that because it communicates that there are good and bad results depending on the types of choices you make.
ReplyDeleteI really want to read Dobson's Strong Willed Child. I skimmed it with Avery, but I can tell that Nathan (bc of personality and gender) is going to me more challenging in that area. I also need to read Bringing up Boys.
Thanks for your candidness about being judged. You are so right that we are constantly exposed to judgment, even when making the "right" choices.
Danne´ -
ReplyDeleteThank you SO much for your encouragement. I respect your journey with your boys more than you may know. It's always good to hear what it was like for you when they were young.
I agree with you about God's "discipline" with us. That is what kept coming to mind when I was trying to picture the "no discipline" tactic. It seems counter intuitive. I feel as though God had strong responses (and sometimes physical consequences) when Israel made poor/wrong choices - especially when those choices were repeated again and again.
You're right, God does give you the strength! I need to tap into it earlier in the day, I think :-)
Been thinking about this post ever since you posted it. Thanks for your honest reflections.
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartedly that parenting is hard - one of the hardest endeavors of all. Do you read Kristen of We are THAT Family, by chance? She recently wrote a post on this very topic. I particularly appreciated this sentiment: "Hard parenting doesn’t mean bad parenting. If often reflects good parenting." http://bit.ly/Lvv67R
Other blogs I appreciate include http://blog.suchthespot.com/, http://www.adventuresinbabywearing.com/, and http://sarahbessey.com/.